If there’s anything Thanos is an expert on it’s wooing women and world domination. Oddly enough the two are more similar than you think!
- Team AnimeKon

 

CoconutBaby

My, my, my.

Much like the omnicide of entire galaxies, I find you, Coconut Baby, to be absolutely delicious.

A not too long time ago, I, Thanos, held the universe in the palm of my hand. I quite literally had Eternity under my bootheel.

The cake I currently desire is the sweet revenge I shall exact on the abstract deities of the 616 Universe. Today self, I intend to sneak out of work and pay another deposit towards my down payment on the Infinity Gauntlet!

When I’m done, then I will have the sweetest of pastries at the wedding.

Mistress Death could never refuse me this time!

I have shown that I, Thanos, am a man of the people (well I use that term loosely) and a man (looser than lucy at this point) who can also exterminate them from the plane of existence.

But I digress. I would have a cake made of souse at our wedding.

The wedding will be on a Saturday. At noon. Cus that’s when you get the most souse.

NO! By then I shall once again wield the Infinity Gauntlet! I shall have ALL THE SOUSE!

Next question.

 

Jeanne
Dear JVB,

Ah the age old question. It has stumped many a man.

But I am no man.

I am Thanos of Titan, and it is I who let the dogs out!

Their wretched barking was driving me insane! But I’ll let them back in later.

Have you seen the forecast? Brrr! Tonight is going to be far too cold for those precious little rascals to be traipsing around outside!

They’re not getting back in until they have done their filthy doggy business!

Their excrement does not augur well for my freshly laid congoleum.

(That’s otherwise known as linoleum to basics such as yourself)

I have to keep the place looking and smelling a certain way, do you know what I mean? I can’t woo back Mistress “I Can’t Take Dog Smells” Death back if my foyer smells like an outhouse! (Yes, I said it. I do want her back.)

 

Neil

Dear Neilo,

That feeling? The feeling of being able to DESTROY if need be for your Mistress, is the right attitude!

We can build on that.

To gain this woman’s heart, first you must get rid of these feelings of inadequacy. Do as I do Neilo.

Pull yourself up by your yellow codpiece and look to the glorious future.

Here A few rules to aid you on this dark and glorious quest.

1. Get a small army of inter-galactic rogues.

2. Hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for your Legions of Terror, so they don’t look like cheap knock-offs of Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All those minions were eventually defeated and you will want your troops to have a more positive mind-set.

3. Always maintain a realistic assessment of you strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least you will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! I, Thanos, am of course, INVINCIBLE, but you are not Thanos.

4. Then when you are brimming with all this power and panache, go and sweep that woman off her feet! She may have been with men of high stature, but no one as confident and assured as you. They don’t have what you have Neilo.
5. Also, if all that fails, get a Gauntlet with Gems of Infinite Power. Chicks dig a Gauntlet with Gems of Infinite Power.

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